Two months ago, I lost my job. (I’m starting a new one on Wednesday, so it’s all good.) While at the time it felt like getting kicked while I was already way, way down, it ended up being exactly what I needed as the Universe stepped in and forced me to rest for once in my life.
Anyone in my industry knows that bouts of unemployment are a given at some point in your career. Clients move on, bosses and agency needs change, business fluctuates along with the economy – it happens. When you’re unemployed in the summer, there are a lot more opportunities to keep yourself busy alongside the job search: bike rides along the lake, crashing a friend’s pool, plenty of social opportunities as everyone is out and about. The dead of winter provides quite the opposite: the most you can bear being outside is a quick run to the grocery store, friends you haven’t seen since New Years celebrations are at home hibernating, the cold and gray seeps into your soul. Despite my efforts to keep busy and have some sort of daily project, I found myself with way too much time on my hands which meant slowly merging with my couch and resting…and thinking.
I’ve always been the ‘strong’ one – the pick up the mess and keep moving one. I’ve been able to be that way because I shove a lot of feelings, thoughts and experiences down into the filing cabinet of my brain in order to keep going. It’s a blessing and a curse. My filing cabinet was crammed full and the experiences I’ve had in the last 2 years have caused it to burst. I was no longer strong, I was just numb. I was fatigued. I was dissociating regularly. I certainly wasn’t healing. I felt like I was falling apart.
This period of rest (along with therapy and support from loved ones) has helped me to start to pick up the pieces of my filing cabinet explosion and address them each in turn. Giving them the attention and love that they deserve in order to clear room for new files. Instead of re-shoving those feelings and thoughts down, I’ve let them wash over me and I’ve attempted to engage in them with curiosity to help better understand and appreciate them. Am I always successful? Nope. Is it fun? Not in the slightest (for me at least). But I know that I need to provide myself with that self care – clear my slate so I can learn from it and know how to better handle things next time.
I know others in my life depend on me to be strong, and I need to continue to be strong for myself. However, I now know that part of my strength comes from taking care of myself and putting myself first – something I wasn’t doing for far too long.
Refreshingly Honest 